The Boy and the Tiger

Hello.

caramelizingmimolette — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 12:36:50 +0000

actually i dont know why i keep this blog, i only use it when i have nothing or nowhere else to turn to, when the build up of emotions good or bad overwhelm me or when i’m furious about something and need to rant.

right now i have so so very much to say, but no way to say it.

i’ll bet you my lunch that if i make no effort to be omnipresent, everyone is going to slowly forget me, and i’ll finally be alone like i always talk about. except that this type of aloneness will be a negative lonesome lonely one, not by choice but by the lack there of.

the thought of that makes me sad. but right now, i’m just sad all by myself, very alone.

nah, you wouldn’t want to eat my lunch anyway.

never-ever land

caramelizingmimolette — Sun, 13 Jun 2010 04:16:33 +0000

help unravel me, my heart keeps beating like a hammer.

my life is taken a toll for the worse i’m on more types of medication that i’ve ever been before given that most of them don’t work anyway, i cant study very much without feeling like one of those cruise missiles we’ve been studying a-walled and crashed into my peripherals, making more dents than before and before soon enough i’m down on the ground- headache.

i feel like i’m being eaten alive. ironic, considering how i’m really hungry right now, had porridge for breakfast my first decent meal in three days, and when i’m not hungry i’m high on anxiety god i’m so nervous all the time i grip the table edges or my clothes and something and squeeze tight- as if my worries flow like voltaic cells from one electrode to the other.

yes, i’m so desperate i actually apply what i learn into my speech. its ib life really, when i come across questionable statements my mind literally screams, ‘what the are logical fallacies accompanied with this?’ yes, ib is the sex, and even the coffee and grapes we have after its over.

anyway, i’m just hailing from never-ever land, since you should never ever come here; its hell. i’ll get back to you if i make it out of this alive.

ART

caramelizingmimolette — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 00:50:37 +0000

Yes mommy, I really want to stay in Singapore and attend NAFA.

history.

caramelizingmimolette — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 00:59:11 +0000

As I woke up this morning it suddenly hit me that I’m now heavier than ever and have neither strength nor time nor willpower to do anything about it. Everyday is a whirl, and a battle in itself and please don’t get me wrong- I’m not posting this to whine about it, I just feel really helpless and well yeah. I hate how I never have the time to really exercise without having its after effects snowballing and cumulating into one whole big mass of ‘I’m really tired’ afterwhich I just knock out. Talk about crash and burn and ib has only just begun. Well there’s not a day I wake up feeling ‘enough’ or worthy of anything I have now. Call it my insercurity, but I’ve been struggling with this for as long as I can remember and its finally taking its toll on me.

By far this is the most clearcut and honest and plain and simple post I’ve written and I hate it.

Its like putting your head out for someone to ram their cars into, blood patterns on the unfeeling concrete for the world to see, and laugh and drag out as and when they feel the need to taunt you.

I guess in a way being in a position of power does have its benefits. Like in an office, where people are only nice to you and laugh at your jokes because they don’t want to get fired, or in a bar when people talk to you to get their drinks quickly, or at a food court when people want clean delicately wiped tables.

I guess if someone posted something like that, I could take it and feel in a way, powerful. Like when we try to clear plates reeeeeeally really slowly as if to say, ‘HAH IF YOU MOCK ME ILL TIP OVER THAT BOWL OF HALFEATEN OYSTERS and let’s see you have your meal then!!!’. I guess, in a way taking what someone posts on their blog and using it against them when it contains no malice to anyone whosoever is as shallow and calculating as the above. Its only just, spiteful.

I’ve been in this car an hour and I’m still far from school. Cheers.

caramelizingmimolette — Mon, 24 May 2010 14:37:53 +0000

havent been here in ages though nothing much as changed, its like some kind of auto universe; people keep moving and changing and i’m still stuck in between the thresholds of the space time continuum swimming across an expanse of viscous liquid. like i’m sailing through the air past the clouds and other people in air ships only to smash into a wall, running on a threadmill while everyone is going forward and gaining ground. its like all i’ll ever be is everything i was and lost along the way, and while everyone establishes for themselves a certain status and monetary value that marks their worth in this world, i will be but one of those vagabonds on the street.

except, maybe i wouldnt have to beg you for my bread and water.

2.5 7.5 100

caramelizingmimolette — Wed, 05 May 2010 09:18:56 +0000

everyday you’re getting smaller. everyday you’re getting smaller. everyday you’re getting smaller.

i think i lie to myself to make it better.

i hope you never read this.

caramelizingmimolette — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 08:13:46 +0000

I hope you never read this-

I hope that this poem will translate itself

Into something more than just,

being,

honestly; You make me

want to hurl on that Persian carpet,

the one you make me take my shoes off on. Its dirty don’t-

The one your mother bought for your first house,

The house with the red walls you never let me draw on.

My crayons are a waste.

I hate you when you smile at me,

Like you have a secret

you know something I don’t, fine don’t tell me. (I WONT TELL YOU MINE.)

I will never tell you that I want to know,

Why you smell of cinnamon

When you fuck me after work and on the kitchen table

Why you touch my cheeks and wrap yourself

Around me-

Like the serpent that you aren’t.

Why you call out my name when the pounding overtakes,

Religion is the wind and we are infinite.

Sometimes I wonder if you will kiss me in your house,

During dinner when your parents are-

Watching

Staring

Secretly of course, they disapprove of my tattoo.

I just know it.

I swear I do.

I like you.

You are more than the thoughts of trampling your expensive things, and

I am finding new ways to bring you to heaven and back

Maybe soon, all this

Will translate into something more than just,

Being.

with love, your resident emotional rollarcoaster.

seven dwalfs.

caramelizingmimolette — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 23:21:02 +0000

its the moment of truth and the moment to lie

the moment to live, and the moment to die

the moment to fight,

the moment to fight to fight to fight,

to fight.

sitting in the lt some dusky morning half dozing half listening to their rehearsals.the new batch of army recruits go in on wednesday which means i lose another batch of friends zomg. met a bunch of tekong officers at zouk the other day, awesome people- its funny we sat and talked about how they decide the fate of the new recruits. to pump or not to pump, to trap them on the island longer than necessary. the ghost stories, the experiences. i guess going in early has its benefits. top of the food chain. in a dog eat dog world like ours? our only chance at survival is probably to make sure that a certain amount of power over others lies in our hands. alright chapel in a bit ten minute nap first.

seoul garden.

caramelizingmimolette — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 22:07:23 +0000

team; what team?

TOK lecture.

caramelizingmimolette — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 02:57:21 +0000

If I were the sun and you were the moon we would be wrenched apart by fortifications beyond our mere comprehension. It would only be the stars between us, shimmering tangents against the curving skyline, armies assembling in rows adversaries at the pinnacle of our fracas. We are apart, but only by the wall. Two faces in a crowd, I will speak to you but never see your face, your smile and your glistening eyes. You are but my enigmatic counterpart, but I will know you only in name.